What next?

For a while now, a very long while, I have been waking up and telling myself “Today is a new day, today we start again and make it count”. This ritual tends to happen Mondays, like today, I woke up and convinced myself that today was going to be a new day, today I was going to do better; but here I am at 0750 and wondering if it is even worth it. Oh boy!!Before I had my third baby, I had achieved somewhat of what I assumed was my weight and fitness goals, then BOOM! Baby and covid, double wammy! Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t regret having my baby when I did, she was a very planned part of the life journey, what was not in the pamphlet though, was the fact that weight loss after a 3rd baby is not as easy as weight loss at 1st and 2nd baby. They never told me that if you didn’t work out during pregnancy, bouncing back would be HAAARD!! Yea, thats what I said, its hard. Here’s the thing with being a mum to two daughters and a son, you model the lessons you want your children to learn, and right now I am struggling to teach my children self confidence and self appreciation. When I was younger I used to always dream about being a “BIG” girl, now that I am, I am not sure, most days, if that is what I wanted. I am confused on most days as to the reason behind my weight goals. Remove the fact that I am prediabetic and struggle with a host of other nonsensical ailments, do I want to lose weight for me or its just peer pressure from social media, telling me that being smaller is the “it thing”?

I have a very intense affection for food, most importantly meat, even more precisely beef. Most of my social media algorithms have food popping up every 3rd post, yea, I am into food like that. What makes me sad is that when I am struggling mentally and emotionally I tend to eat my feelings. How do you lose weight when your life reflects that of a person with an eating disorder? Last night I decided that I would have an apple and water for dinner and then there I am walking to the kitchen to make myself sandwiches, worst of all, one had stewed potatoes in the middle of the bread and the other had peanut butter and mayonnaise. Why? Why would I do that to myself? It was tasty though, but why? Why am I this person? You might be wondering what brought it on and I will share it with you when I am strong enough to vocalize the pain in my heart. I struggle to compartmentalize my emotions, everything is linked to everything and is happening simultaneously in my head, I am not coping. So what do I do to bring myself to some sort of mental equilibrium in the meantime?

First step: Removed myself from Instagram, Facebook, TikTok and WhatsApp to silence the noise in my head. I get so much pressure from seeing these pictures of the perfect bodies and the supposedly thriving individuals out there, and oh escape the constant food suggestions

Second step: Write down my goals. Explain to myself why it is a goal and why its important to achieve it. I have to see it, believe it before I can go after it.

Third Step: (This should really just be the first) Be kind to myself, everyone is work in progress.

After all is said and done, life is fragile and I have just one (that I know of in this avatar). I fear for the lessons I will teach my kids but in all honesty they are like sponges and they feed off the energy I give out, if you have ever been here and feel lost and afraid, please share how you found your way because right now I am falling and I am stumbling to get back up.